Sad Eyes
by HuddyJoy0524
Summary: Takes place anytime after "Scorched Earth." Elliot tries to apologize in his own way for leaving. Mostly from El's perspective with a bit of Cragen's as well. One shot. Rated T for some brief language!


Onc e again, my homework levels are through the roof and here I am writing a story instead of doing my work. Why? Because if I don't get this out of my head I'll explode.

Anyways, this is post Scorched Earth, the exact timeline is not important. Due to my studying in another country currently, I actually haven't seen any of Season 13 yet but youtube videos and tumblr have done the work for me. I don't own any of the characters, all belongs to NBC.

_Elliot came to a halt in front of the building and put his hands on his knees, trying to stop the panting. He'd been running, he was late for the mission._

_ "Elliot where the HELL have you been?" Cragen whispered harshly. "Olivia went in without you!"_

_ "What do ya mean…she…WHAT!" Elliot said, a little too loudly. "Are you insane? Why would you let her do that?"_

_ "It wasn't my choice it was hers."_

_ "What do you mean it was hers? You're the goddamn Captain!"_

_ "That's outta line!" Cragen hissed menacingly. "Now get your ass in there NOW." He gave Elliot a shove and he fairly fell into the warehouse. He looked around. It was silent. A little too silent._

_ Suddenly, there was a piercing scream and gunshots. Elliot flinched. "Olivia? Olivia!" He yelled. Abandoning all pretenses of silence, he tore down the warehouse and began looking in room after room. Nothing. _

_ "Olivia!" He called again._

_ "Elliot?" He heard a muffled voice in the room ahead. Knowing on instinct it was hers he ran into the room and found her lying on the ground in a pool of blood. (Oh no! Hers. HER blood!)_

_ "No no no no, no" Elliot kneeled next to her and took her head in his arms. "Why did you come in without me? Why didn't you wait!"_

_ "You weren't….there" she gasped out. She took a shuddering breath and her eyes began to close._

_"No no no Olivia. __Stay with me. Please PLEASE stay with me. Don't do this to me. You can't die." He looked around for a bullet wound. But he couldn't find it. She was just…bleeding._

_ "Why did you leave me?" Tears leaked out of her eyes as she stared up at him._

_ "I didn't leave you! I'm right here!" Elliot choked out. But Olivia's head rolled back, her eyes no longer seeing. _

_ "You did this. It's all your fault you know" Munch seemed to appear out of the shadows with Fin by his side._

_ "I was only late! I was just running late…" Elliot tried._

_ "You are selfish. A selfish bastard." Fin shook his head and looked at Elliot, disgusted._

_ "Autopsy's in." Elliot jumped. Melinda had appeared three feet in front of him. "Looks like she died of a broken heart, Elliot. YOU'RE responsible for that."_

_"No. No I'm not. NO. __Olivia, please, please wake up. OLIVIA!"_

Elliot jerked awake suddenly and sat up in bed so quickly that Kathy mumbled and shifted in bed next to him. Shaking, he put his legs over the side of the bed. He felt like he was going to puke. He tore off into the bathroom and just made it to the toilet before losing his entire dinner. And lunch as well. Still shaking he flushed the toilet and leaned over the sink in the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked sick, is what he looked like (heartsick). Pale face, clammy hands. He was making himself sick. He had been having these dreams for the past week and a half and no matter what he did, he couldn't get them to go away.

He walked back into the bedroom, grabbed his pajama bottoms, and closed the door gently behind him. He tread quietly downstairs to the kitchen and opened up the fridge, checking to see if there was any ginger beer left. Nope. Dickie must have drank it all. Again.

Sighing, he shut the fridge and jumped three feet in the air. Lizzie was standing right at the foot of the steps in her pajamas.

"Lizzie! Don't do that!"

She grinned sheepishly. "Sorry, Dad. I didn't mean to scare you."

"What are you doing awake? It's the middle of the night" Elliot opened the fridge again and settled for milk.

"I heard you get up again. Just wanted to make sure you were ok," she sat down on the seat at the island and watched her father put a glass of milk in the microwave. "You've been waking up in the middle of the night a lot lately."

"Yeah well….I've been having trouble sleeping."

"Mom said you've been talking in your sleep a lot too," she said matter o factly.

Elliot whirled around. "What have I been saying?"

Lizzie shrugged and began to play with a loose string on the placemat. "She can't understand. I've even tried to listen in. Sometimes you even shout too. Do you hate your new job?"

(Yes.) "No. Why would you think that?" Elliot asked. He got his milk out of the microwave and sat down next to his daughter. "I love my new job."

"Well you always come straight home. You never stay late at work anymore. You always used to stay late."

"Well, now I'm working somewhere I don't have to. So I can stay home with you." Elliot smiled and kissed his daughter on the top of the head.

"Dad. I'm 18 years old. You don't need to stay home with me anymore," she said seriously. "You want to know what I think? I think you're worried about Olivia."

"Uh huh. And why would you think that?" (It's obvious. I knew it was obvious.)

"I don't know. I can just….tell. Why don't you talk to her Dad?"

(Because it would hurt too much) "Hey wait a second when did you get so nosy?" Stabler frowned, trying to be authoritative.

Lizzie turned in the chair to face her father. "After Rick and I broke up my friend recommended that I write him a letter. Nothing fancy, just telling him how I felt and why I decided to break up with him. He never gave me a response but I felt better afterwards. It justified my decision more. Maybe you should try that too."

Elliot just stared at his daughter for a few seconds. "Well…thanks for the advice. I'll think about it. You better get back to bed."

Lizzie sighed. She got down off the stool and turned back around. "It's Dickie's turn to pick up Eli on the way home from class tomorrow. He can always drop the letter off if you want him to." She walked back up the steps slowly and Elliot watched the steps until he heard her door shut, snapping him out of his thoughts.

That was the worst (best) idea that anyone had ever said. Write a letter? He looked down at the counter and noticed a pad of paper with a pen on it. Just sitting (waiting) there. He picked the pen up and began to write.

SVU

"Olivia? Olivia!" Olivia blinked a few times and looked up at Cragen who was staring down at her, concerned. "Have you finished the profile yet?"

Olivia looked down at the blank piece of paper and then back up at Cragen. "No. Not yet."

"Look, Olivia, this is getting a little ridiculous here. I asked for this a few hours ago you still haven't finished?"

"I'm sorry, Captain, I'm sorry. Doing it now."

"What have you been doing?" He asked, growing a little irritated.

"I've just..been busy." Olivia shrugged.

"No. You've been sitting here doing nothing."

Olivia looked up at her Captain for a couple of moments, before returning back to her paper and starting to write. "It won't happen again," she mumbled.

Cragen sighed. He'd been expecting an outburst from her. In fact, he'd been hoping for a screaming match. Then maybe she would snap out of it. He just felt terrible all over again. And it wasn't his fault.

He walked away and headed back towards his office. Fin stopped him. "Cap, I think there is something you better see."

"Is it urgent?" He rubbed his eyes and looked over at Fin.

"No. But you still should." Fin looked sad too and suddenly Cragen felt that maybe this was urgent. He followed Fin out to the hallway. There stood Dickie, holding Eli's hand with a piece of paper in the other.

"Dickie? What are you doing here?" He asked gently.

"This is for Olivia. It's from my Dad. Can you make sure that she gets it for me?" He asked. He mutely handed Cragen the little slip of folded paper.

"Dickie!" Eli tugged on his hand. "Can we see Livvy now?" he whispered rather loudly.

"Sssshh. No."

"Could you….would you see Olivia? I think she…would like that." Cragen tried.

Dickie bit his lip and shifted uncomfortably. "It would have to be quick..."

"Just for a second," Cragen led them over to the bench. "I'll be right back." Cragen walked back into the precinct. Predictably, Olivia was staring off into space again.

"Olivia."

"What? I'm working on it, Cap, I'm working on it." Olivia fumbled for her pen and started to write again.

"No…it's…there are some people here to see you." Cragen touched her arm gently. "They're waiting right outside."

Frowning, Olivia got up and quietly followed Cragen out into the hallway.

"Livvy!" Eli waved at her. Olivia's face lit up like fireworks and she kneeled down. The little boy ran into her arms and Olivia hugged him tightly her eyes shut tight so that tears could not escape.

Eli let go and touched her face with his hands. "How come you don't drive to school with us anymore?"

"Dad's got a new job, Eli, remember?" Dickie said. He had walked down the hallway. "We told you about that."

"I know." The little boy shrugged. He put his hands on Olivia's hair. "Your hair looks very nice today."

"Thank you." Olivia smiled and put the boy back down on the ground.

"Dad wanted me to give you this" Dickie handed Olivia the slip of paper. She took it and looked down. Her heart skipped a beat. It was his handwriting.

"We need to leave soon." Dickie said. But Olivia didn't hear him. She was just staring at the piece of paper.

"Olivia?" Cragen touched her shoulder and she jumped before looking back up.

"Oh, sorry. I…should I read it now?" She looked over at Cragen and Fin who nodded.

She opened the note.

_Dear Olivia-_

_ Words cannot express how sorry I am. I should never have left without telling you. But then again…I don't think I could have faced leaving if I had to tell you in person. I'm a coward, I know. But I just…started to care too much. Having to shoot Jenna like that…I just couldn't take it anymore. And the part that's so terrible is that the reason I did it is because she was going for you next. Or at least…that's what my mind jumped to. And that's when I realized that I cared too much about you to stay here any longer. You're the best friend I've ever had and I will always love you. All I can say is that I hope you can forgive me for what I've done. You don't have to reply to this, but if you want to, I've told Dickie to wait._

_Elliot_

Olivia read the letter through a few more times before closing her eyes and biting back all the emotion that was fighting its way back out. This was not the time. She turned to the others. "Anyone got a pen?"

Fin handed her one and she scribbled her answer down quickly before handing it back to Dickie. "Here you go. Thanks for bringing that by."

Dickie suddenly grabbed Olivia in a tight hug. Accepting it, Olivia squeezed him back and let go quickly knowing that he would grow awkward if she held on to long. She was right. He was already turning red.

"Bye Eli. Thanks for seeing me" Olivia kneeled back down in front of the boy who looked at Olivia.

"Livvy why do you have sad eyes?"

"What do you mean?" Olivia smiled at him. "I don't have sad eyes."

"Uh huh." Eli nodded. "When you smile your eyes are always shiny. They aren't shiny anymore." He frowned a little bit. "Don't have sad eyes, ok?"

Olivia's lip quivered as she tried to keep up the brave front for the little boy. "Alright, Eli. I won't. I won't have sad eyes. Good bye." She smiled at the boy again.

Dickie took his brother's hand and started the walk towards the elevator. "Bye." She whispered, again. Cragen turned to see a single tear rolling down her cheek.

SVU

"Dickie told me you wrote the letter" Lizzie said casually as she poked the cooking meat with the spatula.

Kathy frowned. "Letter? What letter?"

"I wrote a letter to Olivia," Elliot said simply. "I thought it would make me feel better. I would just like to let the entirety of the kitchen know that it's not working."

Kathy sighed. "El, I thought you had moved on. I thought we weren't going to talk about this anymore."

"We weren't. She brought it up," he gestured to his daughter.

"Hey! You chose to write it!" Lizzie replied hastily.

Just then the door opened and Dickie walked in with Eli in tow.

"Hey little man how was school?" Kathy asked, kissing Eli on the cheek.

"Oh it was wonderful mom thanks for asking" Dickie replied sarcastically.

Kathy swatted him over the head with Eli's lunchbox and he ducked, snickering. He stole a glance over at his Dad and nodded.

Elliot got up and left the room, following his son. He heard Lizzie strike up a conversation (distraction?) with her mom about her boyfriend behind them.

"She just re-wrote it on the back of the letter and handed it to me. I promise that I didn't read it." He turned around and walked back into the kitchen.

Elliot looked down at the sheet of paper.

_Elliot-_

_ I've tried to move on. But I don't know if that will ever happen. I've already forgiven you, and I understand why you did what you did. Sometimes I wonder how things would be different if that case with Jenna never happened._

_I guess you can say I've cared too much for a long time, but I always pushed it aside, because, well, a part of me loves you too, you see? But not in a way that you could ever understand. I am, and will always be, _

_ Your partner,_

_ Olivia_

Elliot sat down on the couch and stared down at the sheet of paper in his hand. He had no idea what she meant and yet, at the same time, it all made sense to him now. He looked up as Eli walked into the living room with a juicebox.

"Daddy?"

"Yes, Eli?"

"Can I give Livvy my little teddy bear? We can drop it off tomorrow. Mommy said no, but if you say yes maybe she will say yes."

"Well if Mommy said no, then the answer is no." He turned back to the paper.

Eli walked over and crawled onto his dad's lap. "What are you reading?"

"Just a letter."

"From who?"

Elliot sighed and looked down at his youngest child. "From Olivia."

"Ohhhh. She has sad eyes, Daddy."

Elliot frowned. "Wht do you mean?"

"I saw her today. With Dickie. And her eyes were sad. They weren't sparkly anymore." He shook his head back and forth and took a drink from his juicebox. "Can you make them happy again Daddy?"

Elliot looked down at his son and shook his head. "No…no I don't think I can."

Eli touched his Dad's face. "You have sad eyes too, Daddy. You have sad eyes too." He kissed him on the cheek and hopped down before heading back into the kitchen.

And it was at that moment that Elliot knew he had made the biggest mistake of his life. And he broke down and began to cry. Like a child. He began to cry like a child. And his eyes ached with sadness.


End file.
